I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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