i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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