If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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