then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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