He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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