i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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