Define "chronic" masturbator.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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