I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
love makes seman taste better
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
