ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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