your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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