you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
