the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
