It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
