What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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