I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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