your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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