just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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