i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
