So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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