I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
All the doctor said was why
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize