Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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