hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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