I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
