I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
