dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
cat food counts as protein by the way
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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