I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
