I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
