I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
