Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
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i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
it's great music for shaving your balls
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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