we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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