you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
