Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
