just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
