she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
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Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
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apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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