My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
you inspire me to be a worse person
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
