Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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