I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
did you just send me my own nude
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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