i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
