We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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