I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
