Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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