I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
