the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
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You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
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There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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