You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
