I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Randomize
