how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
