I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
