I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
