There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
