I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
