I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
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That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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