did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
