She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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