My cat gives me a boner
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
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