I want to have your abortion
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
