Buhtt sex?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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