Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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